On Horror Films

Horror is the one genre where the audience will heartily recommend your terrible, boring, braindead movie to all of their friends just as long as there's a scene where the cheerleader gets her uterus ripped out through her mouth.

This doesn't mean that character development, storytelling and originality don't matter. (Although they don't.) It just means that for every five minutes you spend figuring out your characters' motivations--partying, looking cool, not getting stabbed, etc.--you should spend at least twice that amount figuring out cool, disgusting, or downright pornographic ways for them to die.

Some critics will attempt to break the horror genre down into smaller subgenres, such as Zombie Horror, Supernatural Horror, Mutated Porcupine Horror (that one is ours; don't you steal it), etc. While this is a logical approach, it also seems like a lot of work, and we don't think we're getting paid by the page here. So in the interest of laziness, we'd like to propose a different way to categorize horror films: PG-13 versus R-rated. Let's take a look at the way these two categories break down.

PG-13 HORROR:
Our heroine is a sexy young (Librarian / Virgin / One Tree Hill Actress) who discovers a (terrifying plot / horrifying plot / mildly upsetting plot) to destroy her hometown, which happens to be populated strictly by (eccentric stereotypes / offensive stereotypes / Veronica Mars actors). The threat is finally revealed to be (A Haunted Dorm Room / Dripping Wet Japanese Kids / A Hairbrush That Makes You Kill Shit), and everybody dies (Offscreen, Quietly / With the Camera Rushing Toward Their Screaming Mouths / On the Inside, Just a Little), except for our heroine and her studly new boyfriend, who defeat the malevolent presence using (Their Blossoming Love / The Old Voodoo Lady's Necklace / Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, Start). The end.

R-RATED HORROR:
Our heroine is a sexy young (Stripper / Rocker / Nun, With Whorish Qualities) whose idyllic weekend of (Screwing, Drinking / Drinking, Screwing) is cruelly interrupted by a murderous (Hillbilly / Satan / Mutated Gopher), who quickly dispatches her friends using his (Power Tools / Demonic Abilities / Gophery Rage). As soon as our heroine finishes (Taking a Shower / Taking a Shower / Taking a Shower), she manages to defeat her foe using only a simple (Machine Gun / Bible That Shoots Lightning / Clump of Lettuce, Poisoned). The end.

There are many variations to these formulas, of course, so feel free to mix things up. Maybe you don't find the Wolfman frightening, but you're terrified of the mentally-handicapped . Maybe you're bored seeing hot teenagers get killed at summer camp, but the idea of seeing hot teenagers get killed on the blazing magma shores of the Earth's core still turns you on. Whatever, really.

Here are a few helpful horror guidelines to get you started:

• Horror audiences like knowing what to expect, so be sure to stereotype your characters early on. Go ahead and name your nerd character Cubby Dorklington, and don't be shy about giving your abusive jock character a name like Punch McFacey.
• Remember: when they're being chased by a vicious, remorseless killing machine, many teenagers enjoy cracking jokes and making light of the situation. Especially if they're sassy and/or black.
• If you're writing a horror movie about a shark, calling the shark "Dr. Jaws" is not enough to protect you from a lawsuit, which seems totally unfair to us, but whatever.
• Here's a cool idea for a scary scene: so your character is brushing her teeth, right? And then she closes the bathroom mirror, and in the reflection we see...another bathroom mirror! And in the reflection of the other bathroom mirror we see...the killer! Holy shit, he was standing right beside her this entire time!
• Need a surefire horror concept? Take a warm childhood memory and twist it into something horrible and disturbing. A word of warning: be sure to pick well-known, shared childhood memories--such as the Easter Bunny ("Sunday, Bloody Sunday") or the boogeyman ("The Creature Under the Bed")--and not individual memories, such as your beloved old Uncle Joe ("Uncle Rape").

Still confused? Here's an especially good scene from one of our latest horror scripts, Slaughter at Camp Tit. Study our mastery of language and the evocative way that our language evokes stuff.


EXT. HAUNTED WOODS - DARKEST NIGHT

STACY comes stumbling out of the woods. She looks just like Connie Miller--the girl who broke my heart in High School and is now married to a plumber, a PLUMBER for Chrissakes, way to pick yourself a winner there, honey--and much like Connie, Stacy is also a total gutterdiving whore.

We watch as Stacy shotguns a beer, pops three tabs of LSD, and tears her panties away in a single practiced tear. She bellows like a runaway locomotive:

STACY
I'm a tornado of Fuck!

Suddenly, A BLACK CAT jumps out of a nearby tree! AAAAAAAA! Stacy runs around for a while, very frightened, until she finally grows tired and stops to rest beside a mailbox.

WHAMMO! The mailbox flies open and ANOTHER BLACK CAT leaps forth! AAAAAAAAAA! What a scary scene!

STACY
Whew! I'm glad you're not the killer!

She turns to find herself face to face with...

...the Killer. And he's holding A BLACK CAT! AAAAAAAAAAAAA!

ATTENTION STUDIO READER: DEATH SCENE STARTS HERE

First the Killer twists her head around. Then he shoves a turnip in her ass. Then he forces her to take a morning-after contraceptive pill, which is an Abomination in the Eyes of Our Lord. Then he beats her with a bag of hooves. Then he shoves her inside a giant blender that doesn't need electricity to run because we're in the woods right now. Then he puts on golf cleats and kicks her face off.

STACY
Ow!

She DIES.

How'd that make you feel, Connie? Are you proud of the way you treated me? Sure would be a shame if something happened to that plumber of yours, huh? I'm just saying.

ATTENTION STUDIO READER: NEXT DEATH IS ON PAGE 24