On Writing Female Characters

It's hardly surprising that the vast majority of working screenwriters are men...or, as some call them, "the unwomen." The operative word in that sentence is working, by the way, since the blogosphere (literally: a sphere of blogs) is crammed to its pink little rafters with female screenwriters. Most of them are talented. All of them are unemployed.

If you've ever read a woman's screenplay, you know how provocative, intelligent and humanistic they can be, rich with nuance and complex character arcs. Many of these feemplays, as we like to call them when no women are around, are so beautifully written and heartfelt they can leave even the strongest reader quivering and shattered in the grip of that foul beast we call emotion.

Of course, shit like this is never going to sell, but still, honey, we're just proud of you for trying. And look...you ran the spell-checker and everything! Just like a real screenwriter!

Now is the time for all men to breathe a sigh of relief and offer up a flagon of steaming ram's blood to the Mighty Norse Gods of Screenwriting, because even with a century's worth of evidence at their disposal, studio executives still haven't realized that women can write circles around us.

See, most studio executives are men, which makes them naturally receptive to the type of movies that men like to pitch, such as movies that are awesome, and also movies that are really cool. And this same genetic predisposition is the reason that, during many pitch meetings with female screenwriters, executives will act as though piping hot ferret urine is being forcibly inserted into their ear canals. It's psychosomatic, really.

Don't believe us? Take a look at these two coverage samples we recently obtained through a trusted source (Ebay), both written by the same male studio reader. (For those who don't know what coverage is, here's a helpful analogy: "coverage is to studio executives as Cliff Notes are to lazy college students.") One of these samples refers to a script written by a woman, the other by a man. See if you can figure out which is which based on the reader's reaction.


COVERAGE SAMPLE #1:

TITLE: Yours Truly, Gregory

SUMMARY: A disobedient young woman is sent to live with her aunt on some island somewhere. Rome, maybe? I don't remember. Anyway, Gregory is this dude, and they fall in love, but then she gets mad at him, but then he dies, but then she realizes he never loved the Dutchess after all, it was her all along, it was always her.

ANALYSIS: The script is astonishingly well-written. The characters are likeable and realistic, and the audience can easily relate to the whole "falling in love" shit. The ending was unexpected yet somehow fitting, and the raw emotion on display felt like a punch to the sternum, only in a good way. This is the kind of script that can really make you reevaluate your entire life. The way Kate and Gregory can never be together, even though they were so perfect together...it's enough to rip your heart out. Because if they can't make it work, what chance do the rest of us have? Sigh.

RECOMMEND / PASS? Pass. Too gay.


COVERAGE SAMPLE #2

TITLE: S.U.D.Z.

SUMMARY: See, there's like this futuristic prison on top of this mountain, right? And this stripper named Raven St. Darkeyes gets sent there for, like, being a stripper and stuff, and all the guards are big-titted Swedish girls who have guns that shoot soap suds instead of bullets, so whenever the girls misbehave they have to roll around in the suds, just pulling each other's hair and having orgasms. Oh, and there's this part where Michael Biehn is watching the girls on the security monitor, but they don't know he's watching so they start trying on each other's panties and comparing nipple sizes, just like girls do in real life.

ANALYSIS: Holy shit, how cool was that part with the evil octopus? I know, right? He was so evil!

RECOMMEND / PASS? Highest Possible Recommendation.


Ladies, are you starting to see just how badly the deck is stacked against you? We wish we could offer you some words of encouragement or a few helpful techniques for breaking into the industry, but frankly, we don't want the competition. Hollywood's innate sexist bias is the only thing keeping writers like us employed--hypothetically, of course--and we're not about to jeopardize this precarious foothold for nonsense like fairness or equality. Sorry, but you're on your own.

What this means, gentlemen, is that the burden of writing female characters falls squarely on our burly, hair-spackled shoulders. The glass ceiling may be keeping the ladies out of Hollywood, but there's nothing keeping them out of the movie theater. And if you try to pigeonhole the women in your audience with pandering, sexist stereotypes, you very well may find yourself at the mercy of their rolling pins and vacuum cleaners.

This doesn't mean the women in your screenplay have to be realistic or believable, thank God. (We're good teachers, but not that good.) Fortunately, decades worth of lazy movies have conditioned audiences and executives alike to expect female characters to fall into one of three easily classified categories. Deviate from these standards at your own risk.

TYPE #1: THE PANDERING-TO-OUR-WIVES WOMAN

She is as wise as she is beautiful. For every boneheaded comment that her fat slob of a husband spews forth, she's ready with a brilliantly snappy comeback. She exists to solve the family's financial problems, teach everyone valuable life lessons, and to save our mortal souls from an eternity of suffering and darkness. Despite the fact that she has already had seven demographically-satisfying children, her belly is still flat and her ass is as firm as a child's skull. In her free time, she enjoys giving money to homeless people, having sex on her own terms, and looking pretty.

Sample dialogue: "You think that was fast? You should've seen Chuck on our wedding night! Am I right, ladies? Am I right? Wooo!"

TYPE #2: THE MYSTIFYING, DESPERATE GUESS OF A WOMAN

Believe it or not, many screenwriters find interaction with the opposite sex as upsetting or frightening as, say, a run-in with Dracula. This can make it difficult for writers to create realistic, genuine women, considering how they've never actually met any. This is why you'll find screenplays that are peppered with bizarre, often contradictory characteristics of womanhood, as the writer throws everything he knows (or thinks he knows) about women against the page in the hopes that something, anything will stick.

Sample dialogue: "Feel that? My Fallopian Tubes are stirring. That means danger is nearby."

TYPE #3: THE IDEAL WOMAN

When the screenwriter doesn't have a nosy wife looking over his shoulder or some vague female demographic to appease, this is generally what you wind up with. Perhaps she is a cantaloupe-breasted molecular biologist who still needs a man's help to solve the mysterious mystery of the Sphinx. Maybe she's a mute circus acrobat with an insatiable need to watch Charles Bronson movies after sex. Either way, she looks like Jessica Alba, swears like a sailor, enjoys playing Halo, and is thinking about making you some tasty hamburgers right now. And after that? It's shower time.

Sample dialogue: "Damn, my vagina's cold. Brrrr. Hey, you got anything I could stuff up in there?"