On Generating Ideas

Ideas. Where do they come from?

If you ask a quantum physicist, they’ll tell you that ideas are actually sub-atomic particles that can only travel sideways. If you ask a philosopher, they’ll tell you that ideas are the by product of your brain and soul rubbing against each other. If you ask a scary drunk hobo, he’ll tell you to leave his hooch alone or he’ll cut your nuts off with his rusty knife.

If you ask us (which, simply by reading these words, you already are) we’ll tell you that ideas are a pain in the ass. Why? Because, as a writer, you’re expected to have them. Like, all the time.

There may even be times when you’ll have to produce ideas under pressure, perhaps when attending a pitch meeting and realising you’ve left all your notes in the toilet of Taco Bell, or when you have to tell your grandparents what you do for a living.

You’re on the freeway to Shitting Yourself In Panic City, and there are no rest stops for the next 200 miles. Right?

WRONG.

Once you know the secret, coming up with ideas is as easy as making Kirk Douglas fall off a log.

As we all know, the only thing Hollywood hates more than originality is sub-standard valet parking, so if you can spontaneously spew forth ideas that come couched in the snug fleece of familiarity, you’re already one step ahead of the game.

“But how do I give the impression of spontaneously spewing forth ideas?” I hear you mewl, like a rain-soaked cat trapped on a window ledge.

How? Here’s how.

1. Think of a movie that’s already been made.
2. Change one letter in the title.
3. The movie then writes itself. Pretty much.

You want examples? Fine, here are some examples...

Dull Metal Jacket
Romantic comedy starring Mark Wahlberg as a greasy rock-gimp trying in vain to impress Jenifer Aniston with his favourite denim jacket, decorated with no less than 54 sew-on Helloween patches and a badly drawn marker-pen rendition of Iron Maiden's "Eddie" mascot.

The Bum Of All Fears
Nick Nolte, drunk and hopped-up on goofballs, rants and screams about the things that terrify him by constantly hovering just out of view, whispering morally-repugnant suggestions in his ear.

Jews
Politically suicidal remake, as Spielberg combines his two greatest themes in this gripping thriller about a Great White Rabbi terrorising the beaches of Amity.

The Natty Professor
Sherman Klump invents a potion that gives him exquisite taste in clothes - with hilarious results!

From Desk Til Dawn
Post-modern ironic criminal bad boys, the Gecko brothers, have only one thing between them and freedom - the Titty Twister schoolhouse...

Honey, I Shrunk The Kiss
Brain-mangled nerd-troll Rick Moranis accidentally reduces rock supergroup Kiss to minute size. Can he return them to normal before, in an ironic twist of fate, Gene Simmons is eaten by a pussy?

The Day The Garth Stood Still
Feature length David Blaine-style stunt with bland hillbilly music legend Garth Brooks boasting he can remain completely motionless, in the middle of the main concourse at Grand Central Station, for a full 24-hour period.

Meep Meep Blue Sea
Gory creature feature sequel in which killer sharks are replaced by the Road Runner.

Udder Siege
Steven Seagal hits rock bottom as he fights Eric Bogosian's ineffectual terrorist while balancing on the back of a cow.

Terry Maguire
Deliberately misleading romantic drama about a conveniently-named man who is actually quite content in his work, and happily married to boot.

The Blair Watch Project
Confrontational documentary in which a group of film students sit in a circle and stare menacingly at an increasingly uncomfortable Blair Underwood, who believes he's auditioning for a role in LA Law 2030.

My Big Fat Greek Bedding
Puzzling slapstick starring Nicolas Cage as a hapless Greek sailor struggling to fit an oversized winter double duvet into a pillow case.

Any Piven Sunday
Voyeuristic black comedy in which John Cusack secretly films Jeremy Piven's regular weekend routine. Warning: may contains traces of Dan Ackroyd.

Charlie’s Angles
Testicle-faced vigilante Charles Bronson painstakingly explains the difference between acute and obtuse angles, using the broken legs of a drug-dealing rapist as a visual aid.

Kremlins
When Zach Galligan accidentally spills water on his cute pet Stalin, the quaint American town of Kingston Falls is soon overrun by tiny, vindictive communists.

The Cull Monty
Shockingly brutal Japanese horror-thriller about a group of unemployed male strippers forced to hunt each other down on a remote island.

Tangs of New York
Sweeping historical study of the rise of soft drinks and their effect on the formation of American society in turn-of-the-century New York.

Resident Evel
Milla Jovovich is trapped in the house of 70s stunt king Evel Knievel, and must battle her way to freedom before leaping over 30 zombie-filled buses and a lake of fire on a scooter.

Mission To Lars
Gary Sinise drags a reluctant Don Cheadle and Tim Robbins through space to a planet inhabited solely by clones of the download-hating pinch-faced Metallica drummer.

Do The Right Thong
Spike Lee finally sells out with a grotesquely sexist ghetto comedy starring Sisquo, Nelly and Usher. Warning: features repeated use of the word "dawg".

Sleepy Hellow
Close-up footage of Tim Burton being rudely awoken by violent prodding and powerful torches shone directly into his eyes. The film is then slowed down to make his confused mumblings last a full 90 minutes, with side-splitting consequences.

The Whale Nine Yards
Genuine bootleg of Greenpeace's ill-fated and hurriedly-banned remake of the Bruce Willis/Chandler Bing hitman romp, performed entirely by Shamu, Orca and that whale from Free Willy. Some scenes of whale asphyxiation may cause distress.

Luke Placid
Family comedy. Luke Wilson remains completely unmoved by Owen's constant jibes about his more successful career, until we later see him crying himself to sleep while punching himself in the back of the head.

Bog Daddy
Adam Sandler meets his match when he accidentally adopts Swamp Thing. Together they learn about responsibility, bodily functions and the inter-connectedness of all things through the Earth Elementals.

Moonwanker
Career-destroying, narratively bankrupt musical following face-fucked superstar Michael Jackson as he travels the world, masturbating furiously through the letterboxes of anyone who didn’t buy his last album.

Messing In Action
Chuck Norris returns to the jungles of Vietnam and soils himself. Repeatedly.

Death Rack 2000
Softcore satire from Russ Meyer in which a parade of outlandishly named, improbably bosomed actresses race across America, smothering people to death with their terrifyingly huge breasts. Starring Titty Mountains, Chesty Cushions and Bertha Bigtits.

King King
Doubly sacriligeous remake in which the exhumed corpse of Elvis Presley is dressed in a monkey suit and hurled from the top of the Empire State Building for the slack-jawed amusement of redneck tourists.

Minority Retort
A procession of under-represented social groups line up for the chance to argue against midget superstar Tom Cruise. Contains scenes of mass debating.

Bone In 60 Seconds
Nicolas Cage, Giovanni Ribisi and Robert Duvall race to see who can achieve full erection the quickest while peeping into Angelina Jolie’s trailer, rubbing themselves like randy chimps.

Jailhouse Rick
Controversial Rick James biopic starring Colin Farrell as the troubled funk maestro. Includes graphic scenes of jheri curl wearing which may be unsuitable for stylish viewers.

The Spy Who Loved Mo
Revealing biography of the slap-happy Three Stooges ringleader, and his secret life of homosexual espionage.

Munsters Ball
Halle Berry in an Oscar-winning turn as the widowed single mother who finds awkward and unlikely emotional strength by frantically screwing a giant, grinning Frankenstein Monster.

The Mammy Returns
Racially provocative horror in which archaeologists excavating the set of Gone With The Wind unleash a dangerous stereotype, once thought to be buried for good, on the world once more.

Rash Hour
Excruciating documentary feature with Jackie Chan asking open and frank questions about Chris Tucker’s long history of groin-based skin complaints, while Tucker hilariously pretends to not understand a word Chan is saying. Because he’s Chinese, see?

The Kong Kiss Goodnight
Geena Davis stars as an amnesiac woman who honestly can’t recall how she ended up in bed with a big disgusting hairy ape. Co-starring Renny Harlin.

You’ve Got Maul
When Meg Ryan discovers that the Dark Lords of the Sith have opened a rival bookstore close to her quaint and insignificant local shop, she enters into a war of words with the enigmatic black-robed proprietor. But little does she know he’s the same guy she’s joining for sordid cybersex each and every night, driving each other into a wrist-straining frenzy of long-distance masturbation until they both sit, panting and sweating, in front of their laptops covered in their own juices. Warning: contains double-ended lightsaber penetration.

Black Hawn Down
Violently offensive war movie in which Goldie Hawn is thrown from a helicopter into a Mogadishu warzone while wearing provocative “black face” make-up. Josh Hartnett cameos as a quivering pile of meat, guts and bone.

A Nightmare on ILM Street
Technically adventurous slasher movie, in which absolutely everything is created by CGI with the exception of one chair. The first viewer to correctly identify the rogue piece of solid matter will win a hair from the chinny-chin-chin of George Lucas.

Panic Boom
Jodie Foster is repeatedly startled by a mysterious loud booming noise, causing her mental state to slowly deteriorate from mildly curious to frantically terrified. Only the audience is allowed in on the secret - the noise is simply Warwick Davis, following her around with a fucking big drum.

Citizen Kang
Pretentious Secret Wars spin-off charting the rise and fall of the time-travelling conqueror. Co-stars Tony Stark as “Rosebud”.

Raging Bill
The earth itself trembles like a virgin on prom night when Bill Paxton’s tolerance finally reaches its limit, and he explodes in a tsunami of blistering fury, taking Billy Bob Thornton and most of the Midwest with him.

Boing John Malkovich
Disappointing sequel in which John Cusack discovers a replica of the actor John Malkovich made entirely from flubber, and charges people $10 to jump up and down on his gelatine testicles.

Without wanting to blow our own trumpet too hard (although we can - we're very limber) the near-instantaneous production of this impressive pitch list was almost enough to prevent us from being forcibly ejected from the Fox lot last November.

Almost.