On Remakes

"So we liked your spec script," the studio executive announces. "Not enough to actually make it, of course, but you showed real potential. Have you figured out what you'd like to write next?"

"Actually, I've got an idea for an original movie," you tell him excitedly. "It's something fresh that's never been done before."

And then you both collapse into fits of hysterical laughter as tears of mirth go streaming down your cheeks. Oh, how you'll laugh and laugh and laugh!

And at last the executive will dry his eyes and say, "No, seriously, what movie are you going to remake next?"

It's no secret that Hollywood fears originality the way monkeys fear wolves, or the way bats fear vampire bats, or some other fear-based analogy that we can't be bothered to come up with at the moment.

You have to understand that most studio executives operate in a state of perpetual terror and panic, and any day that doesn't involve getting fired is viewed in retrospect as a thundering success that merits a celebratory jaunt down to the old Spearmint Rhino. So perhaps their timid nature can be forgiven. After all, you'd be jittery too if you knew that Bob Iger was one poorly-mixed cappuccino away from firing every motherfucker on the Disney lot.

What this means is that if you want to get your club-shaped foot in the door, you'd better be prepared to tell the executives exactly what they want...nay, what they need to hear. For example...

BAD PITCH: "My story is a heartbreaking and hilarious Charlie Kaufman-esque mindbender that examines love, loss, and everything in between."

GOOD PITCH: "The world is ready for a new Major Payne."

Assuming the executives are desperate enough to swallow your hot, throbbing pitch, now comes the tricky part...sitting down and actually writing the godforsaken thing. Fortunately, creating a remake is much easier than other types of writing, such as original screenplays or your weekend grocery list.

Let's say you're planning to remake an old movie that nobody remembers anymore, such as The Exorcist. The trick is to retain the most famous and recognizable elements from the original (head spinning around, puking), while jettisoning all the forgettable parts (the mother, the priests, Catholicism, etc.).

And what does that leave you with? A bone-chilling trailer where Dakota Fanning's misshapen little head whirls around like the Tasmanian Devil, and one hell of a killer tagline. ("So scary you'll PUKE! Bleeearggh!") Trust us...horror movies have been sold on far less.

It's also important to make your remake as contemporary as possible. Let's face it, if people wanted eloquent dialogue, nuanced characterization and a tit-free climax, they'd just rent the original When Harry Met Sally. Keep things modern, snappy and, if at all possible, try to write Ludacris in there somewhere. The kids, they love their Ludacris!

Here's an example from a remake we've been speccing around town recently. (And by town, we mean the Universal Studios Tram Tour.) Notice how it retains all the elements that made the original film a classic, while adding a sparkly coat of modern, marketable, delicious paint.

EXT. OCEAN - DAY

The boat plows through the waves, in search of their elusive prey. CAPTAIN QUINT stands at the helm. As usual, he's listening to P. Diddy on his iPod.

On the deck below, CHIEF MARTIN BRODY is busy shoveling chum over the prow. With his rugged Samoan features and rippling biceps, he is a paragon of glistening, heaving manliness. His brow furrows as he stares out across the great blue expanse.

BRODY
Where are you, Jaws? Where are you hiding?

Sixteen-year-old KASSIE HOOPER pops her head out of the forecastle hatch. She quickly consults her experimental Palm Pilot prototype thingie (pending product placement agreement, of course).

KASSIE
According to these sat-linked hypernodal geothermal current readings, the shark should be right below us, Uncle Marty!

BRODY
Yo, Q-Man! Stop the boat!

QUINT
Fo' sho', nigga!

Quint brings the Orca to a shuddering halt. Chief Brody cautiously dumps a fistful of pigparts into the water. He waits.

WHOOOSHA! JAWS rears up out of the water! Holy shit! He's huge, scary, totally computer-generated. The shark's cybernetic eye flashes bright red as it triangulates their coordinates.

Brody dives over the railing without hesitation, delivering a punishing elbow-drop to the creature's sensitive snout.

BRODY
Smile, you son of a Jabroni!

The shark streaks away, mewling like a wounded kitten. Brody resurfaces, his expression triumphant.

BRODY
Can you smell what Chief Brody is cooking?

It's just that easy, folks.