On Your First Set Visit

PRODUCER
Hey, thanks for coming in…

WRITER
You’re gonna validate my parking, right?

PRODUCER
Um, we can’t really validate parking meters. Sorry.

WRITER

(leaving)
Oh, fuck this!

PRODUCER
Wait, come here. I wanna talk to you. About yesterday, I mean.

WRITER
(slumps into chair with a weary sigh)
Fine. Make it quick.

PRODUCER
Pretty exciting stuff, right? The Sony lot? Your first set visit? Seeing your creative vision spring to life before your very eyes?

WRITER
They validated my parking, by the way. I didn’t have to pay a dime.

PRODUCER
Anyway, Brett asked me to speak with you about your behavior. I guess there were some problems, huh?
(He gets a blank stare.)
No? Nothing? No problems at all?

WRITER
Parkingwise?

PRODUCER
No, just in general.

WRITER
Hmm...nnnnnnooooo, I don’t remember anything.

PRODUCER
Really? Because I’m reading the security report about the incident, and it says you--well, I guess there’s no nice way to put this--it says that on your way to the set, you dove out of the golf cart and went scurrying into the bushes.

WRITER
Oh. That.

PRODUCER
Yes, that, goddamn it! I mean, I’m trying to be understanding here, but what the hell? This says you karate-chopped your driver in the neck!

WRITER
That’s the element of surprise right there.

PRODUCER
No, that’s fucking assault and battery right there!
(deep breath)
Not gonna lose it. Not gonna lose it.
(even deeper breath)
Okay. So you attack this poor kid, Christ knows why, this poor unpaid intern, and you go running off. Waving your arms above your head and “hooting,” according to the report. What does that even mean...hooting?

WRITER
It was more like a general shriek of victory. Kind of an EE-YA, EE-YA thing.

PRODUCER
Jesus Almighty. Okay. Okay. So you wanna explain to me what happened next?

WRITER
I immersed myself in nature, subsisting only on my wits and whatever meager food I could forage.

PRODUCER
Yeah, well, that’s one way to put it. Another way is that you ran into the Sony cafeteria and began shoveling fudge bars into your mouth as fast as you could.

WRITER
Ah...fudge. Nature’s sweetest berry.

PRODUCER
I guess we should be grateful you ate the fudge so quickly that you started vomiting, otherwise you probably would’ve racked up an even higher tab. Which, I should point out, they’re still waiting for you to pay.

WRITER
And I should point out that, technically, I gave all that fudge back. I shall pay for nothing.

PRODUCER
Yeah, there’s a goddamn shocker...
(shuffles papers)
This next part...God, I don’t even know what to say. You wanna explain to me why you snuck into the Transformers soundstage?

WRITER
To become one with Starscream.

PRODUCER
I don’t even wanna know what that means. Says here you somehow infiltrated a crowd of extras--

WRITER
I wanted to be part of the movie.

PRODUCER
--and then proceeded to loudly shout advice to the Autobots while the cameras were running.

WRITER
I wanted to be a more important part of the movie.

PRODUCER
You should know, Bay’s people are threatening legal action.

WRITER
Bastards. You tell them we have the Dinobots on our side, and all Hell’s a-coming with us! That’s the only language those mothers of fuck will understand.

PRODUCER
I hope you realize how much trouble you’re in here.

WRITER
I did nothing wrong.

PRODUCER
You tipped over Bumblebee.

WRITER
I regret nothing.

PRODUCER
He fell on the script supervisor.
(pause)
The pregnant script supervisor.

WRITER
I regret that a little.

PRODUCER
I just...I don’t even know what to say here. Help me understand this. Tell me you were drunk or whacked out on angel dust or something.

WRITER
I was high...

PRODUCER
Okay, that’s a start.

WRITER
...on the magic of cinema.

PRODUCER
(rubbing temples)
Get out of my office.

WRITER
I’d like another chance, sir. A chance to apologize.

PRODUCER
Well, you could start by visiting that poor woman you put in the hospital...

WRITER
No, to apologize to Bumblebee, I mean.

PRODUCER
(losing it)
GET OUT! NOW! GET! THE! FUCK! OUT!

WRITER
...

PRODUCER
(visibly shaking)
You’re still here.

WRITER
Did I already ask if you validate parking?